People love to tell me these are the best days of my life. Strangers DEMAND for me to soak up these great moments. I do appreciate when my kids use manners, appreciate and respect me. I do love when those great moments happen and I try to write them down before I forget them. So why do I feel like I just need to escape?
My son Carson even with autism doesn't trouble or stress me out as much as my neurotypical 3.5 year old daughter Julia does.
Julia, bless her lil' heart can really put the wrinkles on my face and grey on my head. She is ready for school, ready to socialize, ready to spread her wings. I'm ready for her to do it, but until then, she's stuck with me.
I try really hard to entertain her thoughts and needs. Just yesterday I was softening air dry clay for her to work with, yet she instisted on taking from the hard clay pile, then crying over the fact it wasn't working the way she wanted it to. This took the seal off the pressure cooker a.k.a. my head. I quickly put it all away, hence leading to more tears.
Last night, 1/2 an hour past their pajama time, I asked her to set aside her toys and go up for jammies....well.... she nearly took my ears off screaming "NOOOOOO NOOOOO NOOOO I HATE YOU MOM!!!" There are moments like that one, that take the words out of my head. I have to factor in that she's tired, yet no one should speak to anyone like that - ever!
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm ALWAYS disciplining. I'm always trying to take the time to explain proper behaviour, and trying to have fun at the same time. Right in the middle of my 'lessons' she starts to tell me how it is... totally erasing any explaination I made.
How is a mother supposed to enjoy these moments. The highs are so HIGH and the lows extremely LOW.
Is it wrong of me to announce that I just want her to grow up a little more? She can be downright ROTTEN to me, playing off of Gord... smirking at me, gaulking at the fact she got him wrapped around her finger... it's just not familiar territory to me.
Being that our firstborn has a disability, these were never issues I had to deal with before. Also being that I'm a very strict parent when it comes to manners and respect, I find this so much more difficult! I just know that if I don't nip it now, I'll be in trouble in 5-10 years. I feel guilty sometimes when I wish for things like this. I could have had a second child with a disorder - since the odds are more favorable for that (says the statistics when you have one child with a nerological disorder such as autism), so how dare I even think these things?
I suppose I validate my thoughts in my head because I live it every day. It's just not a big deal so maybe I'M the one that needs to grow up and accept responsibility for the children I have.
There are days when I feel like a car with a heavy load... and when Carson received his diagnosis, the back tire was replaced with a donut. With Julia, her highs and lows threw another donut on the back... and I feel like I'm going to pop.
I don't want to pop. I just want to be a good mom, who stands behind good values 100%. I may need a friend to help hold me up - even just for a minute or two now and again.
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