Ahh, it's not so bad...

It's amazing when the sun comes out how one's life isn't so bad afterall. After the last few days of sunshine, even the kids are enlightened and sunny themselves. Julia has even been helping me around the house - WITH A SMILE!

Gord and I are excited about our trip to Cuba too. He and I have never been away alone together - ever! It's not something we can ever really afford as we like to put our money towards the house and the kids, but what good is all that if Mom and Dad are not happy or just working to get by? I think it's very important to pay yourself first. The kids are young, but old enough to leave home. I'm excited and ready to relax!

On another good note, Carson and Julia both started gymnastics this week and did quite well. I was laughing hysterically when Carson was on the trampoline and was asked to jump off and onto the matt and land on his feet, but every time he would do a superman and fly on his stomach. The coach had a hard time not smiling and laughing, but we cheered when he finally got it.

It's a wonderful feeling as a parent when other adults laugh at the moments that differenciate your child from others. After a while, I'm sure as a coach or a teacher, these kids are like cattle being pushed through a fence....all the same...all mooing.... all annoying. When a child shines, and it's your child - I believe it's a wonderful gift to share it. My boy sure does know how to spread that joy!

Julia on the other hand is very pretty, and she's starting to know it. I'm really pushing the fact that beauty means nothing without brains. I'm very careful to not disrespect myself in front of the mirror. Self confidence starts with intelligence and hopefully over the years I can teach her more about that. She's 3... I think I can take it easy for now!

So for now the sun is shining and I have to go admire it quickly before it goes away!

Elaine

I love my kids, but...

People love to tell me these are the best days of my life. Strangers DEMAND for me to soak up these great moments. I do appreciate when my kids use manners, appreciate and respect me. I do love when those great moments happen and I try to write them down before I forget them. So why do I feel like I just need to escape?

My son Carson even with autism doesn't trouble or stress me out as much as my neurotypical 3.5 year old daughter Julia does.

Julia, bless her lil' heart can really put the wrinkles on my face and grey on my head. She is ready for school, ready to socialize, ready to spread her wings. I'm ready for her to do it, but until then, she's stuck with me.

I try really hard to entertain her thoughts and needs. Just yesterday I was softening air dry clay for her to work with, yet she instisted on taking from the hard clay pile, then crying over the fact it wasn't working the way she wanted it to. This took the seal off the pressure cooker a.k.a. my head. I quickly put it all away, hence leading to more tears.

Last night, 1/2 an hour past their pajama time, I asked her to set aside her toys and go up for jammies....well.... she nearly took my ears off screaming "NOOOOOO NOOOOO NOOOO I HATE YOU MOM!!!" There are moments like that one, that take the words out of my head. I have to factor in that she's tired, yet no one should speak to anyone like that - ever!

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm ALWAYS disciplining. I'm always trying to take the time to explain proper behaviour, and trying to have fun at the same time. Right in the middle of my 'lessons' she starts to tell me how it is... totally erasing any explaination I made.

How is a mother supposed to enjoy these moments. The highs are so HIGH and the lows extremely LOW.

Is it wrong of me to announce that I just want her to grow up a little more? She can be downright ROTTEN to me, playing off of Gord... smirking at me, gaulking at the fact she got him wrapped around her finger... it's just not familiar territory to me.

Being that our firstborn has a disability, these were never issues I had to deal with before. Also being that I'm a very strict parent when it comes to manners and respect, I find this so much more difficult! I just know that if I don't nip it now, I'll be in trouble in 5-10 years. I feel guilty sometimes when I wish for things like this. I could have had a second child with a disorder - since the odds are more favorable for that (says the statistics when you have one child with a nerological disorder such as autism), so how dare I even think these things?

I suppose I validate my thoughts in my head because I live it every day. It's just not a big deal so maybe I'M the one that needs to grow up and accept responsibility for the children I have.

There are days when I feel like a car with a heavy load... and when Carson received his diagnosis, the back tire was replaced with a donut. With Julia, her highs and lows threw another donut on the back... and I feel like I'm going to pop.

I don't want to pop. I just want to be a good mom, who stands behind good values 100%. I may need a friend to help hold me up - even just for a minute or two now and again.